There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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