fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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