I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
