i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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