when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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