I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
