so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
