I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize