the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
should my penis look like a turkey
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
