I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
