GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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