Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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