Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
