Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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