Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
