margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
