I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
