It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
