My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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