Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Bang-toberfest begins!!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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