The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
