when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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