I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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