Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
