All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
