I could make wine with my vomit
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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