just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
