I'm drive I can fine osifer
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
