she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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