Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
