He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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