how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
