We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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