Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
