he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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