I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
