I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
