I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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