Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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