Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
