it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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