Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
