what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
