Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
