You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
