you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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