turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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