He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
