The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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