Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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