Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
