Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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