the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
