when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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