my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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