Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
