I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
