when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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