She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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