Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
