I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
