It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
