Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
