Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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