Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
