just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
