i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize