Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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