so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
