so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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